sarah babes & steve-o RTW!

(The ubiquitous 'no guns, explosives, narcotics' sign. Our guesthouse room, Siam Reap. Boy they really know how to ruin a party here...)

>>> AS STATED ABOVE, WE NOW HAVE EMBEDDED VIDEO. BOO-YAA! CHECK US OUT! (flash application for route map still goosed though...)

Whoaa... no real idea what day it is anymore! All seemlessly merging into one, our catatonic state punctuated only by moments of blind panic (err...like trying to memorize an entire Lonely Planet city map 5 minutes before we bail out of the bus - never learn ffs!). Btw from now on if we refer to those particular published works (Lonely Planet) it will be as Satan's Guidebook (S.G.). Mainly as information continually has no relation to reality, but also because of the amount of COMPLETE TOOLS now tearing around the globe, sporting 'the blue wreathed book of evil'! (Tony and Maureen you have a lot to answer for! Seriously, S.G. preaches 'responsible' travel, yet has a fundamental need to shift units . Reminiscent of BP adverts stating their business these days is saving the planet.) Obviously this does not apply to us btw, as we are now fully tie-died wearing lentil munchers, lovers of dolphins and top notch offenders of any and all religious sensibilities, via inappropriate dress/behaviour. Yes people, we are now...TRAVELLERS! (lmao*)

*honestly, we DO try! (utilising services provided by charities (eg. 'Seeing Hands' - Cambodia, massage by BLIND masseurs - profits helping sight-disabled), saving recyclables for the street kids, buying produce from amputees (outcasts in Buddhist countries, wtf?! Vast areas of Cambodia are still a no-go due to land mine usage, and Laos has the unenviable position of being the most bombed country in the world - still large amounts of random unexploded ordnance lying around...thank the good ol' U.S. of A for that one)...and so on... (God we hope we don't sound like some of the sanctimonious twats we've met so far - see below for appropriate example!)

Ok, back on track. We leave for Oz in a few days. That marks the end of the Asian dream (and an end to our 'relationship' with the mighty Mekong river), and between 4/5 months on 'the road' (still trying to get our heads around that!). Last 'serious' (serious..yeah right!) blog post almost 2 months ago - so we'll attempt to redress that situation right now.

So, where exactly have we been over the last 6-7 weeks? Here's not really a definitive list, and in probably not the correct order. Breathe in...

THAILAND
Ayathaya - old capital, old Siam. Ruined Buddhist architecture in abundance. Hired bikes. Cycled. Yes, we are mental.

Kanchanaburi, near Burmese/Myanmar border - site of the REAL 'Bridge over the River Kwai' (attention nerds, the film was shot in Cambodia.)

Got bitten by lethal amount of mozzies (see below).

Chang Mai - northern Thai city. Massively important cultural centre. Also home of the Chang Mai sausage (blew the wheels reet 'aff, thon did!) Oh yeah, and spent 3 tortuous days in bed with the Dengue! (Steve: cried like a girl too for most of 'em...) Seriously, we were both like death. So bad in fact that neither of us could neck a cold one for over a WEEK! Damn you to hell, you pre-historic flying death merchants!

(Child. Monk)

Chiang Kong/Huay Xai, border crossing into Laos (Lan Xang, land of a million elephants), straddling the Mekong river, skirting the infamous 'Golden Triangle'. Population 9,000 - and there was only a fekkin' indian restaurant! eh? Popadum paradise! (where we spent Xmas night pulling crackers btw, to many a bemused stare. We kid you not, paper hats an' all! Thanks Mom for the 'package'! ha ha...)

LAOS (silent 's'. the French added that just to show off), THE PEOPLES DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF.
('mon the reds! Good though to be back on Commie turf...)

(Old Laos money - 'Kip'. Check out the Guerrilla activity in the pic. Thanks Max for getting this.)

Bokeo nature reserve, northeast Laos jungle.

(No kidding, that's the view from our tree-house toilet. Around 7am. Looking out over about 6-7 mist shrouded valleys)

Where we didn't see any gibbons on the (now renamed) Non-Gibbon Experience! Seriously over-rated, criminally over-priced, we fail to see (and we mean not just the two of us, but EVERYBODY in our group) how anybody could get excited about paying 132Euro just to get abandoned in a tree-house (with exceptionally bad food) for 3 days (THIS was the major problem btw, not lack of wildlife. Let's face it the wildlife 'did one' as soon as it got the slightest whiff of the White Devil). And don't get us started on the self-righteous, sanctimonious douche-bag that runs the show, Molly. For all you people (which seemed to be EVERYBODY us (and our group) met) who described this whole thing as some sort of cathartic, profound experience...get some fekkin' perspective!

But hey, zip-lining 50-60 metres above the forest floor was cool...

(jump. do it. join us michael...)

(view back at the 'house', taken whilst mid 'zip')

(Sarah coming in hard 'n fast!)

>>> check this zip vid out:

(Some of team GibbonX- excuse the deranged faces, photographer malfunction. No names...cough...Phillipe...cough)

Luang Prabang (where we managed to find an internet connection for the quick salutation in previous post). As mentioned, a UNESCO world heritage city. Quite simply beautiful!

(Palace bottom right, below Mekong river)

(The sort of sign we like to see...)

Spent New Years eve soaking in the turquoise pools of Tad Sae waterfall...superlatives redundant.

>>> another vid!

And the massages, oh yessss the massages! 4dollars an hour at the spa in town! (Gonna be a ball-breaker stumping up 40quid now for that 'swedish' back home!) Oh, and thank the good lord for the French - leaving behind a legacy of (quite) good coffee, and fresh pastries! Bizarre to eat fresh baguettes everyday in Asia, and partly the reason why we are still now packing even more pounds than a "back-packer" (ahem...) should be!
EDIT: Just remembered, this is where we celebrated New Years! Cheers Ellie and Max.

(airport. quality.)

(So just why can't you saunter around the runways of 'Geordie Best's' as planes land?)

CAMBODIA** (location of the 'International Loser'. See 'rant' post below)

(Apsara dance. Carved in Ancient Angkor ruins...)

(...and for real.)

Siem Reap, Cambodia (...and we thought Cambodge was a typo! lol...) Home of the famous Angkor sites (Angkor Wat, Angkor Thom etc. etc...and THAT scene from 'Tombraider'

- hard to believe this place had a population of over 1 million, at a time when London was a relative village of only 50,000. (Just dawned on us that we will seeing most of the so called 'Wonders of the World' on this rtw malarkey...woo-hoo!)).
Caught a cheap flight, AMAZING view over Mekong valley and the Tonle Sap lake. Definitely ex-military pilot. Last possible second maneuvers, coming in fast and low over Tonle Sap swampland...palms sweating? Affirmative! (over our dead bodies were we taking the slow-boat everyone bangs on about! why, why, why, why, WHY? 2 days of arse paralysis, against 45 minutes airtime? come on...ok, so no airlines out in these parts make public anything in the way of a safety record, and western governments do advise against flying on them, but hey, flippin' Ol' Nick the bird once in a while builds character, eh?!).

(Wtf is this? Outside our room, Siem Reap.)

Passed through Phnom Penh, though we weren't really interested (this is a mad, bad place. Weed as a pizza topping? No problem, just visit Happy Herbs pizza shop...and you'll probably need it to cope too. A place where a fistful of greenbacks gets you ANYTHING, or AWAY with anything. Guns, narcotics, child prostitution...just the tip of a VERY dark iceberg. Where the local tourist free-sheet actually prints, I quote "...now in stock at least 10 new Phillipino girls who are lively..." referring to a local hotel, and warning that one has recently stabbed her 'boyfriend', so "be careful". You just don't get that in the Belfast News now do you? ). As we didn't actually want to voyage into the 'Heart of Darkness' (neither a metaphorical one, or the hateful nightclub of same name in the centre of town) we jumped on the next bus south to Sihanoukville.

Sihanoukville. Ahh...breathe out. Where we are typing this right now (laptop on the road with us), and the reason we are hurtling backwards down the evolutionary scale ha ha! Brain functionality dangerously close to amoeba-like... Ending up down here was, well serendipitous (You like that? Clever eh? This horse aint glue yet...check us out! And there is a beach here called Serendipity too. Yeah, we rawk!). Thank gawd we did. It's true what they say, eh? The things you don't plan usually turn out best...speaks for itself that this is the longest we have stayed in one place yet. 2 weeks and counting. Back to the one thing we do best. B.E.A.C.H.L.I.F.E. ("...it's the only life I know" we can't stop singing this to the tune of 'Streetlife').

We are on Otres beach, the south 1km of which you can have to yourself most days. Squeaky sand, majestic sunsets...beautiful! 8dollars a night for a room, not 10m from the water! Get in!!! (Though it's not going to stay like this. From talking to local business owners, this place has got 2 years tops left before the 'big players' (read, russian mafia) 'resort-ify' the place (read go-go bars and hotels resembling the worst of communist architecture). This situation does however obviously provide full bragging rights for the future...)

Most strenuous decision each day? Toss-up between the BBQ (seafood? again?), or the bar (Steve: should I betray my long term partner, the Angkor ale, for a cheap one-night stand with the slutty Mekong whiskey?). This place a healthy 1-2 hour walk from 'town', dirt track, no electricity. Dodgy generators all the way baby! (Gets a poor rap in the S.G. though, we think because of the damage the fishing industry has done to the coral (obviously no-one realised fishing with DYNAMITE would damage the reef...lol)). But hey, screw you coral, we aint here to dive, we're here to L.O.A.F.! And if you want coral all marine freaks, do what we did, why only yesterday in fact. Hire a boat for 35dollars (greenbacks out here, another little quirk - U.S. dollars really are comedy money he he!) and hit the islands.

Found a nice stretch that was deserted enough to bathe 'sans keks'! Only us and some other dude letting it all hang out to dry (didn't get around to introductions unfortunately (Sarah: he was rather a 'large' fellow. Intimidated you know...cough!)) Debating now whether to put those pics up... Oh, and we celebrated Sarah's birthday down here on the 11th too, so cheers: Mr and Mrs. 'T', Scott and Christine, plus Bruno and Martine. Bruno, you are missed around here mon amie. We can only hope to have half of your energy when we're 65! Maybe see you in Paris? we hope so...)

**some of you will notice we have made no reference at all to the recent 'history' of this country. Is there any need? We read Loung Ung's account of growing up through the whole 'Khmer Rouge' revolution, and it's downfall. This was harrowing, illuminating and moving, but we felt absolutely no compunction to then go and actually traipse around those very killing fields (btw, a very sore point for Cambodians as key sites are now ran FOR PROFIT by private companies! Can you believe that?!) And the age imbalance here truely is startling. 40percent of the population is under 15!
(Steve: finally got around to reading 1984 (I know, don't start...) beforehand. Damn strange reading a work of fiction scarily depicting seemingly a lot of what Luang Ung experienced for real in very recent history here.)

Ok, so what have we learned so far? Anything? Why only the night before last we worked out that 95percent deet anti-mosquito spray (that melts plastic btw), doesn't cause permanent blindness upon being sprayed directly into the eyes (Sarah: Steve sorted that one out lmao!). That living in the West makes you a big Girlie-Man (a la Schwarzenegger...jesus, just how do you spell that idiots name?), it dampens the senses, weakens the resolve. Now we don't bat an eyelid when a rat legs it across the bed. Roaches? Childs play. And now we're taking the anti-malarial drugs, come on you mozzies! Give it all you got! (Fyi, we're taking Doxycycline. Antbiotic, 100mg daily. Covers S.E.Asia and S.America. Cheap as chips. Side effects? Brief nausea, and photosensitivity. Debatable whether the latter is a problem though, if your objective is to get a David Dickinson/Bob Monkhouse style tan with minimal effort (well, obviously the colour Bob was BEFORE he croaked it...). Alison, we have way too much of the fekkin' stuff, we could airlift ya a few crates, no joking!) Though we still needed undergarment refreshment after the 'scorpion' incident!

(scorpion? check. bathroom? check. britches filled? check. 'Til the day we die, we're gonna be checkin' under that seat...)

The West could also learn a massive amount from Asia in terms of 'face' (lack of aggression, not losing it, saving 'face') and family ties. You just CANNOT get uptight out here.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, the biggest thing so far? PATIENCE. Forget what your watch says, the driver tells you, or even what is printed on your ticket. You're now officially on S.E.Asia time biatch! (Manyana, but Manyana with a bad weed habit.) And it's not like the driver aint gonna try and get wherever on time...the driving here is an approximation of an extreme sport! Blind. Faith. Necessary! (joking aside, Translink (cue sound of spitting on the ground) would get trounced by these guys (eg. Mekong Express) in terms of value and efficiency! Shame on you Translink - the words 'brewery', 'piss' and 'up' spring to mind). Btw, from now on 'here' refers to S.E.Asia. Anything else? We have realised too that you maybe need to travel halfway around the world to appreciate what's been right under your nose all along, (Steve: I have still not witnessed, not Mongolia, not deep out in any rainforest yet, a star filled night as clear and as beautiful as I did from Malin Point, up north on our own wee island, a few years back (Paul, J-rock, you remember? Orla's caravan?). The beaches of Donegal? They could easily hold their own against a lot of what we've seen so far (yeah we know, if the weather was 30degrees c warmer! lol...), and that people aren't really all that different. Still amuses us that everybody out here wants to be white, while we try and get our pasty asses something beyond a translucent blue! Just try and find a sunscreen/moisturiser out here without whitener in it...

Maybe we have went a bit 'bamboo'? Maybe. Rice, chillies...seems fine for brekky to us. Wearing shoes inside...hell NO! (definitely something we're bringing home). White man can't jump? White man can't wash!...smell something dodgy on the bus? That's just the dirty Falang. Out here they are SCRUPULOUSLY clean (So it's 3 showers a day now). And this whole getting up before dawn thing? We wake up now BEFORE the roosters ffs! (if there's one sound we're gonna associate forever now with S.E.Asia, it's the fekkin' rooster! EVERY day for the last 3-4 months the bastardos have been our alarm call...). Also starting now to speak full Pidgin too ffs! Oh, and the left hand thing...ha ha, you knows it!

Ok Ok, enough already! This post starting to take on epic proportions! Blood on the keys et al, full Jessica Fletcher mode on from both of us! (lol...prize for naming that show btw!)

Hold on, one last thing, we met a guy at the Laos/Thai border (big, stocky, more tattoos than Amy Whine-house). Hears our accents and asks where we're from. Tell him Belfast, and he asks again WHERE we're from...you know the score, where IN BELFASTwe're from. WTF?! AT A BORDER CROSSING, ON THE MEKONG RIVER! Was sure he was about to force us to say the alphabet aloud too, before kicking our asses...lmao! (apologies to non-Norn Iron contingent for that little anecdote, plus numerous, probably obscure, other references) Couldnae believe it pal... Turns out 'East' was the right answer. Only worked down the Newtownards road an' all ffs!

:Disclaimer:
Apologies for poor punctuation, spelling and general abuse of english language in above drivel. Also for over-use of 'web' speak a la "lmao" etc. But what do you expect from a couple of professional wasters? Oh, and for capitalising everything in sight for emphasis...

'Til next time, from the 'Land Down Under',

Moshi Moshi,

Neill-san & Rea-san
xox

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Randoms:

(pic on a cigarette case we found at a market. ""Aint my dad" priceless!)

(how cool is this painting?)

(snake pliskin kiss my ass! THIS how you rock a mullet! That's not 'the bird' btw, or even some kinda Jacko finger fashion, just showing you the 'leatherman' damage...seriously! ahem...)

(these mannequins getting even crazier. stuff of nightmares! need to research the word for mannequin phobia...)
EDIT: 'Pediophobia'